Stupid things someone needs to fix pt 2

4. SUVs. I hate those bastards. If I hear one more person tell me they "feel safer in an SUV" I will have to pull out their pubic hair one at a time with slip-joint pliers. Get out your head out of your own ass! While you are busy feeling safer, you are endangering every driver that isn't in an SUV. Cars in accidents with an SUV sustain damage that is amazingly close to complete destruction of the vehicle. People driving the cars are usually dead. The high frames just shoot over the autos and go straight for the driver. Glad you feel safe, though.

And the headlights - for Pete's sake! The damn things are up so high the headlights are RIGHT IN THE EYES of everybody not driving an SUV. Especially when the SUV is behind the car. I wonder how many accidents involve people blinded by the SUV headlights?

And when you talk to the owners, they're response is usually "If you don't like it, buy an SUV and it won't be a problem." There's some good logic. Become part of the problem as the solution to the problem. Reasonable men are dangerous - remember Germany?

Stupid things someone needs to fix

1. Every damn restaurant in the United States saying something on their menu is "World Famous" or "Home of the World's Best [insert food item here]. I was down to the States with my brother-in-law Shadow delivering Canadian pharmaceuticals to his sister Opal in Buffalo NY. Well, when lunch rolled around we couldn't decide between "The World's Best BBQ", "World Famous Chili", or "Home of the Biggest Burger in the World". We chose the burger, mostly on account of chili gives Shadow the fiercest smelling gas you've ever experienced, and I wasn't about to be in a car with that for 3 hours. The burger wasn't the biggest I'd ever had, so I don't see how it could be the biggest in the world. Maybe they meant "The Biggest In Buffalo". I'd guess it was about 1/4 kilo of ground meat. It might have been the "Driest and most Tasteless Burger in the World". I get like this every time I come to the States. Everywhere else in the world people are proud of their whatever and say things like "try our delicious chicken" or "chili is our speciality". But the USA is always assuming they have the best and biggest of everything. The only thing they seem to be best and biggest in is Stupidity. Hell, I'm helping a guy drive prescription drugs to his sister because the damn health care system in the USA is for crap. It wouldn't be that hard to fix but I guess the USA would rather be on par with Uganda and Iraq with their health plans.
2. Little catsup packages. Who the hell designed those retarded things? There isn't enough catsup in those little bastards to cover a dill chip for Pete's sake! You need 10 of the damn things to get enough on the plate to eat your potato fries with. And they always give you two or three at the counter. Damn those are annoying. But I love watching people squeeze out the catsup and then lick the package. Where the hell do you think that thing has been? How many infected dolts touched that thing you're licking? At least as many as have handled those soft drink cans that you put up to your lips and suck on. Not like they've been on a truck, handled by Teamsters, sitting on a shelf where some little rug monkey sneezed all over them. Or put in a vending machine by a guy who is definitely thoroughly washed his hands before touching them.
   
3. Idiotic news casts about stuff that isn't news yet. If I have to sit through one more "breaking story" broadcast featuring a story that isn't breaking I'm going to shoot some news anchors through their knee caps. You know what? Unless it involves an atomic attack within 50 miles of my farm, I don't care to be up on the breaking news. I'll wait until it is actually news.
   

Land of the free and the home of the bland.

Ned Frizbay's girl was up to the house a few weeks back. Selling the Girl Scout Cookies. Against my better judgement I bought a couple of boxes. I've always been wary of the Girl Scout Cookies mostly because people swarm to them like retarded hogs to a cesspool and anytime I see that kind of mindless consumerism, I run and hide.
But being that Ned's a good friend and his girl has always been polite and respectful, I bought myself two boxes. Ned's girl recommended the Thin Mints, saying they were very popular and pretty much everyone's favorite. I also bought some of the Little Brownies.
Well, my cookies came this week and I'm not impressed. First - the price. I paid $5 a box for these baked turds only to find out last week when I was over to Pickslee that the Girl Scout Cookies there only cost $3.50 a box ! $1.50 less five miles down the road?!? That's racketeering as far as I'm concerned.
Then there is the taste. I can't believe these are the most popular cookies since they taste like toothpaste on a wheat cracker. Are people stupid or are they just so blindly giving their money to the Girl Scouts that they don't care how crappy the cookies actually are? People, these cookies taste like total crap! Get your heinie down to the grocery store and pick up a box of the Keebler chocolate mint cookies and get a clue what these are supposed to taste like. And by the way, you get twice as many cookies for $2.99.
The Little Brownies were actually worse. They are sugar-free, which should have told me right off what to expect. Dry. Burnt chocolate taste. Dry. Gritty texture. Did I say dry? If I found out these were really dried goat turds, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. It should be illegal to sell these.
So America, open your damn eyes and taste the coffee! These cookies are the biggest racket I've seen in years . They may have been tasty somewhere in their history, but if you got cookies this awful from the grocery store, I guarantee you would take them back and shove them right up in the manager's face.
I hope Ned's girl doesn't come around next year. I'm really going to hate to put a work boot up that little pooper but if that's what needs to be done, I'm ready to do it.