Stupid things someone needs to fix pt 2

4. SUVs. I hate those bastards. If I hear one more person tell me they "feel safer in an SUV" I will have to pull out their pubic hair one at a time with slip-joint pliers. Get out your head out of your own ass! While you are busy feeling safer, you are endangering every driver that isn't in an SUV. Cars in accidents with an SUV sustain damage that is amazingly close to complete destruction of the vehicle. People driving the cars are usually dead. The high frames just shoot over the autos and go straight for the driver. Glad you feel safe, though.

And the headlights - for Pete's sake! The damn things are up so high the headlights are RIGHT IN THE EYES of everybody not driving an SUV. Especially when the SUV is behind the car. I wonder how many accidents involve people blinded by the SUV headlights?

And when you talk to the owners, they're response is usually "If you don't like it, buy an SUV and it won't be a problem." There's some good logic. Become part of the problem as the solution to the problem. Reasonable men are dangerous - remember Germany?

Stupid things someone needs to fix

1. Every damn restaurant in the United States saying something on their menu is "World Famous" or "Home of the World's Best [insert food item here]. I was down to the States with my brother-in-law Shadow delivering Canadian pharmaceuticals to his sister Opal in Buffalo NY. Well, when lunch rolled around we couldn't decide between "The World's Best BBQ", "World Famous Chili", or "Home of the Biggest Burger in the World". We chose the burger, mostly on account of chili gives Shadow the fiercest smelling gas you've ever experienced, and I wasn't about to be in a car with that for 3 hours. The burger wasn't the biggest I'd ever had, so I don't see how it could be the biggest in the world. Maybe they meant "The Biggest In Buffalo". I'd guess it was about 1/4 kilo of ground meat. It might have been the "Driest and most Tasteless Burger in the World". I get like this every time I come to the States. Everywhere else in the world people are proud of their whatever and say things like "try our delicious chicken" or "chili is our speciality". But the USA is always assuming they have the best and biggest of everything. The only thing they seem to be best and biggest in is Stupidity. Hell, I'm helping a guy drive prescription drugs to his sister because the damn health care system in the USA is for crap. It wouldn't be that hard to fix but I guess the USA would rather be on par with Uganda and Iraq with their health plans.
2. Little catsup packages. Who the hell designed those retarded things? There isn't enough catsup in those little bastards to cover a dill chip for Pete's sake! You need 10 of the damn things to get enough on the plate to eat your potato fries with. And they always give you two or three at the counter. Damn those are annoying. But I love watching people squeeze out the catsup and then lick the package. Where the hell do you think that thing has been? How many infected dolts touched that thing you're licking? At least as many as have handled those soft drink cans that you put up to your lips and suck on. Not like they've been on a truck, handled by Teamsters, sitting on a shelf where some little rug monkey sneezed all over them. Or put in a vending machine by a guy who is definitely thoroughly washed his hands before touching them.
   
3. Idiotic news casts about stuff that isn't news yet. If I have to sit through one more "breaking story" broadcast featuring a story that isn't breaking I'm going to shoot some news anchors through their knee caps. You know what? Unless it involves an atomic attack within 50 miles of my farm, I don't care to be up on the breaking news. I'll wait until it is actually news.
   

Land of the free and the home of the bland.

Ned Frizbay's girl was up to the house a few weeks back. Selling the Girl Scout Cookies. Against my better judgement I bought a couple of boxes. I've always been wary of the Girl Scout Cookies mostly because people swarm to them like retarded hogs to a cesspool and anytime I see that kind of mindless consumerism, I run and hide.
But being that Ned's a good friend and his girl has always been polite and respectful, I bought myself two boxes. Ned's girl recommended the Thin Mints, saying they were very popular and pretty much everyone's favorite. I also bought some of the Little Brownies.
Well, my cookies came this week and I'm not impressed. First - the price. I paid $5 a box for these baked turds only to find out last week when I was over to Pickslee that the Girl Scout Cookies there only cost $3.50 a box ! $1.50 less five miles down the road?!? That's racketeering as far as I'm concerned.
Then there is the taste. I can't believe these are the most popular cookies since they taste like toothpaste on a wheat cracker. Are people stupid or are they just so blindly giving their money to the Girl Scouts that they don't care how crappy the cookies actually are? People, these cookies taste like total crap! Get your heinie down to the grocery store and pick up a box of the Keebler chocolate mint cookies and get a clue what these are supposed to taste like. And by the way, you get twice as many cookies for $2.99.
The Little Brownies were actually worse. They are sugar-free, which should have told me right off what to expect. Dry. Burnt chocolate taste. Dry. Gritty texture. Did I say dry? If I found out these were really dried goat turds, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. It should be illegal to sell these.
So America, open your damn eyes and taste the coffee! These cookies are the biggest racket I've seen in years . They may have been tasty somewhere in their history, but if you got cookies this awful from the grocery store, I guarantee you would take them back and shove them right up in the manager's face.
I hope Ned's girl doesn't come around next year. I'm really going to hate to put a work boot up that little pooper but if that's what needs to be done, I'm ready to do it.

Yeah, it's cold.

I can't remember the last time I heard this much whining about the cold. It's below zero. So wear a coat and some long johns. I had to punch out Wally the cashier at the drugstore this morning for asking me "Cold enough for you Chet?" I hated to do it seeing as how he's only got the one arm but anyone stupid enough to say that on a day like today has it coming. But he knew it and as soon as the blood clotted he apologized for being a total douchebag.

I ran into Marty Labia who was wearing what looked like an eyepatch on his nose. Turns out his wife Fern is making nosemuffs in her spare time. Marty looked like a damn fool but he said his nose was warm and he's not one to lie so I guess if you don't mind looking like a retarded pirate, it does the job. Marty's still working up to the saw mill but he says he's retiring this year while he still has the six fingers, even though one of them is actually a toe they grafted to where he thumb was. Damn fine man, Marty is, and a hell of a hunter and tracker. We're planning to go out when bow season for squirrel opens in March. Should be good crackers.

When did the funnies become idiotic?

I'm disgusted. What passes for humor on the funny pages of the newspaper is appalling. There's been a big to-do in our local paper about replacing FOXTROT, which the guy isn't writing except on Sunday. So there's been some tryouts for something to put in its slot. Frankly, they could just make the whole page a big blow up of the Junior Jumble for my tastes. When did the daily funnies become so completely stupid? First of all, it's time for Mary Worth to die. Maybe Rex Morgan, MD. can pop her in the head execution style and then go to death row. That would take out two worthless pieces of crap. Other pointless wastes of newsprint (which isn't saying much as newsprint is one process away from toilet paper at the mill) -

• SALLY FORTH - two smarmy liberals smugly trade sarcastic one liners. Wake me up when it gets funny.
• DENNIS THE MENACE - Oh, look! Dennis is doing something that annoys Mr. Wilson again! That little scamp. Should have been taken out of our misery 15 years ago.
• MUTTS - I don't even get this most of the time. I think they are deliberately leaving out one panel in each day's strip. When I do get it, it's shtupid.
• DOONSBURY - Never was funny. Still isn't. Another strip that thinks smug=funny.
• DILBERT - I guess idiots with no brains and pointless lives who work in corporate hives think this is funny. Because it's slightly more pointless than their lives are. "It's so true! That's exactly how my boss acts!"
• BLONDIE - Oh look! Dagwood ran out of the house and knocked down the mailman! Mr. Dither's is kicking Dagwood in the butt for no reason! I'll admit, I'd still like to "rewrite the Magna Carta" with Blondie, if you know what I mean.
• THE BORN LOSER - Isn't this just THE THORNAPPLES with more panels?
• THE FAMILY CIRCLE - The only way this is funny if you imagine the Dad goes of to work as the Grand Dragon of the Klan and the Mom isn't doing dishes but washing off anal love beads. Then it suddenly becomes funny.
• PEANUTS - okay. This is still pretty good. It's also running strips that were made 30-50 years ago. Hmmmm.
• FRED BASSET - It's English. About a wiener dog. Need I say more?
• ANDY CAPP - It's Irish. Need I say more? Uh oh. Andy's coming home drunk again. I bet his wife is going to lock him out. Yep! Wait a minute while I laugh hysterically.
• GARFIELD - I can't even talk about this without gagging bile.
• SPIDERMAN - Stop whining and practice making babies with your hot wife. The fact that you're not "polishing the hutch" (if you know what I mean) with her all day makes you a complete idiot.
• THE WIZARD OF ID - This made me laugh once. 30 years ago. Oh boy... someone said the king was short! Look out! Here comes the comedy!
• MARMADUKE - Big dogs are not funny, esp. when it looks like they were drawn by a 4 year old.

They're much funnier if you erase the words in the balloons and replace them with every swear word you can think of, one to a balloon, over the entire page. Try it. After the first 20 you'll have to start getting creative, unless you were in the Navy in Korea. It will make you laugh all day. Like the funnies are supposed to.